


Sitting in my feelings with my face on numb

by cleholden



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fluff, Gen, I haven't gone far enough in this story to know all the characters and relationships involved, I'll update the tags, LATER, M/M, Multi, Queerplatonic Relationships, Trans Alexander Hamilton, Trans James Madison, aromantic james, demiromantic aaron burr, god im bad at this, in that sense there's jeffmads, only know that it all ends well, questioning james
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-27
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-09-02 15:35:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8672860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cleholden/pseuds/cleholden
Summary: Thomas had loved him when not even James had been able to, and James loved Thomas for it. And he loved everything about Thomas. How brave and, under layers of smugness and arrogance, how sensible he was. How childish and petty he could get about incredibly trivial matters and how protective and serious he could be about more important stuff. He loved all his contradictions and flaws. James loved Thomas. So, it wouldn't be absurd for James to start dating Thomas, and for Thomas to become James' boyfriend, right? akaJames and Thomas are bffs, they start dating, but James is aromantic, and it takes him a while to come out first to himself and then to his partner. He's not alone while figuring shit out. Some angst in the middle, everything ok in the end.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is my first fic on here and in english, and I loved writing it!  
> Call me out for anything you find wrong, I love constructive criticism.  
> Hope you like it :)

James was staring at their hands. Thomas' grip was firm on his. He was lightly swinging his arm, delight apparent in the slight spring of his pace. Thomas's gaze wandered around the hallway that led to his dorm, landing on James probably more often than what his smug and indifferent facade would have wished. He was talking about some class he had had today in which he had made a particularly smart intervention, and was relating it to his friend. Boyfriend, actually. But James couldn't bring himself to actually listen, reexamining instead the events of that morning.

 

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“ _'Morning Jem” Thomas said with a grin seeing James come out of his bedroom. “ I see you took your time waking up”. “Shut the damn-I mean, shut- shut up Thomas.” he answered, barely able to form a complete sentence. He was wearing a worn and slightly too big for his frame gray T-shirt above matching gray sweat shorts, still rubbing the sleep away from his eyes with the back of his hands. He sat down at the wooden table, putting his elbows on it and his face in his hands. “Hey-don't fall asleep again yet” Thomas exclaimed, chuckling lightly. “Coffee?” he added, while pouring a cup for himself._

“ _Take a wild guess.” James' voice came out muffled from somewhere behind his hands. The big-haired Virginian emptied the pot's content in a mug, still grinning and apparently unable to stop, and placed it on the table, next to James. Then took his own cup and sat down by his friends side._

_Thomas looked kinda nervous, James noticed after having lowered his hands from his face. He was scratching the back of his neck, and had made avoiding any eye-contact a mission, settling his gaze on a spot on the table instead , the ghost of his smile slowly vanishing. He looked pensive, and Madison was waiting for him to tell him why._

“ _Sooo...” Thomas begun after a few moments, still not quite looking at him in the eyes, but letting them wander around and occasionally setting them on his. It took him another bunch of seconds before continuing: “I think we should talk.”_

_At that statement James' heartbeat significantly sped up. He had been expecting this conversation to happen sooner or later, but had hoped that he would have been able to avoid it for some more time._

“ _Sure” he answered automatically. “As soon as you dress up, we can talk about everything you want.” he added, strategically, one might say. Thomas was indeed dressed up in nothing more but his boxer shorts, looking not one bit sorry about it. He appeared taken aback for a second by the other man's words, before assuming a smug expression and quickly recovering his smile. “We both know you like what you see Jem, stop lying to me and to yourself” he said, nonetheless standing up and heading to James' bedroom. While walking by James, who was rolling his eyes more than it looked possible for a human being, Thomas casually laid his hand on the shorter boy's shoulder, quickly caressing him. The second after he was gone. Madison's head dropped back in his hands. He really wasn't ready for this. What was there to talk about? They were two friends, best friends, who deeply cared about each other, saw each other every day for most of the day, and, occasionally -it had happened in total three times-, had sex. He had been afraid that their friendship would have been ruined after the first time it had happened, but there Jefferson was, the next morning, making coffee and asking about his night, acting like nothing had happened. After the second time he had stopped ignoring it, instead dropping here and there an innuendo, even generating a couple of inside jokes to mention in company of other oblivious people, and enjoying the slightly giddy feeling that came with the consciousness of having a secret nobody else knew of. So they had grown comfortable about it. What was up with his friend's need to make a nice thing awkward? Or perhaps James was just getting too much in his head. Thomas may want to talk about literally anything. 'I think we should talk'. Maybe he didn't want to have to come over at James' place every time they fucked, 'cause the bus ticket to go back to college is too expansive without season tickets for public transports. Even though he has a car, and they have only had sex during weekends. Whatever. It could literally be anything._

_Thomas came back, wearing a pair of gray sweat pants he had left there some time before and the tank top he had worn the day before. Decent, in short. He sat back down at the table, looking calmer than before. On the other hand, it was James now the nervous one. “Ok. So. What is it you want to talk me about?” he asked, trying to maintain eye contact with the man sat beside him. Thomas did the same while answering:_

“ _Us.”_

_James did his best to avoid showing the other man the panic in his eyes that word had generated, and let him go on:_

“ _I mean, I know it'll sound super cheesy, but I can't help but wonder... what are we? What are we doing? We are two people who clearly like each other, we are together all the time, enjoy each others company, enjoy having sex together. Plus, we eat together, like, always. And in many occasions we've ate out, and many times one of us has paid for the other too.”_

_Madison was beginning to understand where was this talk leading to, and he wasn't sure of how much he was liking it._

“ _Aren't those dates? Aren't we, basically, dating? So I was just thinking... if you feel about me the same way I feel about you- which is, I like you. A lot.-, maybe we could make it... official? That we are dating, I mean.”_

_While talking Thomas had shortened the distance between them, leaning in closer to his face with his elbows on the table, and his hand had reached out to hold James', and he had started stroking James's knuckles with his thumb. James was positively panicking now, his eyes wide open and his breath getting faster, his cheeks flush. He had understood what Thomas had told him, but was not able to understand what he wanted to do, to say, he was barely able to think about his feelings in that moment. He liked Thomas, that was true. He liked having sex with him, that was true too. And there was more. Thomas had been there when James had come out as a trans man to his parents and they had not accepted him, ignoring what he had said and keeping on calling him Elly and his identity a phase. He was there in the days his dysphoria took the good of him and he felt like living was not worth the pain. He was there when everything got too much for him to handle and all he wanted to do was to get under the blankets and sleep forever. Thomas had loved him when not even James had been able to, and James loved Thomas for it. And he loved everything about Thomas. How brave and, under layers of smugness and arrogance, how sensible he was. How childish and petty he could get about incredibly trivial matters and how protective and serious he could be about more important stuff. He loved all his contradictions and flaws. James loved Thomas. So, it wouldn't be absurd for James to start dating Thomas, and for Thomas to become James' boyfriend, right?_

“ _James?” Thomas said, in a lower and slightly distressed voice, regret for his words already taking shape in his eyes, as James' silence stretched on._

“ _Yes.” he blurted out. Now it was Thomas' eyes that widened before squinting in a more inquisitive look and asking for confirmation: “so... you want to be my boyfriend?”_

_No? Yes? Maybe? Let's try and see what happens? James was still not able to think. If he had been he would have said that he needed time to think, that he wasn't sure of what he felt towards him and that he needed to figure out if he even wanted to be in a romantic relationship, not only in that moment, but at all. Instead, slowly nodding, forcing a smile in order to hide away his confusion, and only being able to see the apprehension and fear of rejection in his best friend's eyes, he answered, again:_

“ _Yes.”_

 

 

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**Author's Note:**

> soooo that was something.  
> I'm not aromantic, but I've been asking help to an aro mutual to write an aro character. Still, if you see something wrong please please tell me.  
> Updates will not be regular, cause I'm not a writer, and it's rare for me to find the patience and time to write. Mainly the patience is missing usually.  
> I hope I'll update anytime soon though!  
> I'm on tumblr too!!: @cleholden  
> come at me!


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